desperation

Have you ever been desperate?

SO desperate that you search and search for answers trying almost anything? I have, many times. Like when I was searching for some meaning in my life when I went to Chicago the Fall of 95 for a job. I was all alone in a new city with a new job and no friends with the realization that there must be something more. I started reading anything and everything - Dr. Wayne Dyer, the Celestine Prophecy and others. My eyes started to open to what I thought were coincidences but were really God's plan. Thank goodness God knows me well enough to know that when I search for something I will not be satisfied with lies and half truths. He knows I will not be convinced something is good or right for me when He has something else in mind.

How about when Don and I were looking for our first house - we must have looked at 20 or so. Every house we looked at could have been the right one -- we were desperate for a house - newly married just 6 months and found out we were pregnant - a house any house would do. I even looked in Millersburg and Southwest -- what???? That is not where God wanted us - or where we wanted to be -- why did I waste precious time and energy on those houses? I believe it is because for me -- it is in the searching that I discover who I am and what God wants for me. He allows me to stray this way and that knowing full well all along I will get right back on His road because it is the straight path He wants me on and I will accept nothing but the truth.

All this to say I have been searching for parenting answers for 6 years - honestly I have probably read 25 parenting books - christian and secular. Every one had something I could gleen but none resonated inside of me - something was missing and I was on a search for the answers and would not give up until I found it. I do believe God chose me to parent my kids - knowing full well I would go through the journey of how to parent them according to their bent - until I knew what their bent was. With every book I questioned my heart and mind - why are these ideas not working for my child - is it me - is it him - what is wrong with us?? Yes I thought something was wrong - we just were not like other families.

This year has been a year of answers - it is so freeing to be on the path of answers that are specifically for your own child -- not what every other parent believes you should do. We are never going to look like other families and I need to be okay with that. I still struggle a lot with the fact that it is hard for people to realize that even with the bible there is more than one way to raise a child and that not all methods work for all children even though they sound godly.

I was desperate for answers and I searched and searched and I am thankful God took me on a journey of knowledge. He knows I love to learn and He taught me all the way. He gave me answers and insight to change the way I look at things - this is our normal!

Now I ask Him for the strength to stand up when I feel like He has given me insight and to support others who feel as though they are failing because they don't seem to measure up to the families around them.

Stranger!

I don't know you. We have never met. I am praying for you. Why? Because God asked me to during a message Rob gave at GCC. I think you were in the room too! I distinctly felt God ask me to pray for you, for where you are, where you have been and where you are going. For the journey that He can see so clearly and you are not so sure about. He reminded me of the journey I embarked on about 13 years ago. It was scary the day I realized that He loved me more than anything I had hidden in my past. It was powerful to sit in church that day and have a flashback of where I was and where He took me. I am going to keep praying for you everytime He asks me to and knowing how crazy our God is, maybe someday we will meet.

wrap up

So with 2008 over and 2009 on its way in I thought I would give a quick wrap up to my post. Well I definitely did not do so great and I can pinpoint what major change threw me out of whack. For the first time in 8 years I went back to work part time. Even though it is not much and just a small attempt on my part to help out with finances it changed the way I was able to manage things.

I no longer went scrapbooking once a month on Fridays because I did not want to be away from my family since I already was gone 2 nights a week. So I obviously DID NOT get the kids scrapbooks caught up. I also stopped reading for pleasure about the same time - it just did not seem to fit in. I was not able to finish the bible in one year - and I am very disappointed but instead of dwelling on it I need to start new TODAY! I wanted to lose 10 pounds but I am the exact same weight today as I was on 1/1/08 atleast I did not gain anything!

What I am learning - or trying to learn is that we have a new "normal" around here and I need to figure out how to adjust to it - I need to not let my circumstances (working, being tired, getting behind on household stuff, etc) effect my daily mood and attitude. I have a tendency to just shut down whenever I get overwhelmed and behind - this leads to getting more overwhelmed and further behind:)

Really I want to go back to the way it was - but that is not possible right now and I know that so......I need to move forward and look forward instead of longing for what was.

I know that God knows where I am and where I want to be - I am going to trust him to adjust my attitude to where I need to be! I need to be thankful that the job I go to is fun, with great people, and at night! HE is our provider and he has provided for us this year!

So as 2009 gets started I am looking forward to finding new ways to manage the house and daily tasks that fit in with our new schedule.

I am excited to see what God has in store this year and I hope you are too!

mia

Okay so I know that I have been missing in action - there are so many contributing factors I could not explain them all in writing but I will stab at a few.

This is the first holiday season without my Dad - and no trip to Florida to see my entire family - the kids are missing their cousins and wondering when they will see them again. I think I have only missed one or two family Christmas gatherings ever! So an emotionally draining time for us as a family.

With all that is going on in the economy and Don's job being in the RV business I have taken on a part time job 2 nights a week and most Saturdays. Though it doesn't sound like much it means I am away for dinner and bedtime and miss connecting with Don in the evenings - consequently I feel drained during the day and lack the motivation to get the necessary things done around the house to keep things functioning. The good thing is - no babysitters!

Don is now in India -
(use this link to check it out)
a missions trip through GCC in the works for 9 months and this has been a main focus for us over the last 2 months - between prayers, raising support, shots and medicine, passports and visas, buying the necessary supplies, packing and repacking and mentally preparing for the time apart. Here is the latest pic from this morning. He is in the back row on the left :)

So we have had all this and more going on..... I have also had numerous blog posts that have never made it out of my head into words to my fingers and keyboard so as the weeks go on I am going to try to be a little more intentional about a lot of things - my time with Don (when he gets back of course:) keeping up with daily tasks and following through with ideas God has given me even when my circumstances seem to get in the way!

Be back soon :)

gap

A few weeks ago I heard a message at GCC about the gap between us and God and that Jesus dying on the cross fills that gap - the cross is the bridge between God and us. You may have seen it illustrated before. This time though they spoke of another gap also - the one between you (the Christ follower) - and the unbelievers. The cultural gap that keeps people from church and essentially from getting to know the love of Jesus.

Robin, Shane and Don filled that gap back in 1996 for me! They were all Christ followers who knew the love of Jesus and wanted so bad to share it with me. They invited me to church over and over and over again. They demonstrated the love of Christ in their friendship with each other and with me. I knew how much going to church meant to them and the dedication they served with each Sunday. At first I wanted friendships like they had - then I wanted more. I went to church with them and it was a God appointment. The message was just for me and was the beginning of setting me FREE from my past. Within a year I accepted Christ and was baptized a year later.

I am so grateful for these 3 people and the gap they filled - it has changed the trajectory of my life.

Whose life will benefit from me - who can I help bridge the gap between culture and church? I will trust Jesus with this!

hell on earth

Do you know any place that seems like hell on earth?

Growing up I pretty much had it easy - my family moved away from Boston when I was little and basically lived in suburban areas all my life. I am sure there where times in my parents childhood and teen years that South Boston could have seemed like hell on earth I don't know. Almost all my relatives still live in the Boston area - it was hard for my Dad to leave for his job - but he had missed out on high school to help raise his 9 younger brothers and sisters and knew he wanted to "move up" at his company to make a living for his family. Maybe since times were rough and money tight for my parents it is why they provided us with a comfortable life. I am sure they struggled with finances - but I never saw it - there was always great food on the table with a roast or steaks on Sunday - always nice clothes to wear and 2 or more cars in the driveway. Each move brought a new or almost new 4 or 5 bedroom house for our family with 5 kids. My road to college was easy and my parents were of great help.

Here was the problem: I never grew up learning about need - I can't remember being exposed to any type of service project through church, school or my family. We just basically existed comfortably - and I guess I assumed everyone did. I feel like my parents missed out on an awesome opportunity to get us outside of our "selves" - I guess we were slaves to the fire of selfishness. It wasn't until I went back to church at 29 that I heard the word "missions" - what a concept.

Today I heard a message about hell on earth and this was my take away from Rob Wegner's message:

If you are a follower of Christ you should find yourself running towards the gates of hell to rescue people and end up smelling like smoke - if not who are you following?

Did you just get hit up side the head like I did? I think my family stayed as far away from hell on this earth as possible - maybe that's what they thought it meant to be successful - escape poverty and hard times and never look back.

My Dad was a great business man - his skills could have reached so many people - my mom was so kind and she was compassionate - who forgot to tell them they were part of Jesus' plan here on earth?

Okay - I want to ...............snatch others from the fire and save them (Jude 1:23) but for now this is what my husband gets to do.

In December he is headed to a small piece of hell on earth - over in Tamil Nadu, India to help out a GCC missions team. He will get to experience running towards it and smelling like smoke. Please support him on this adventure in anyway you can - I am sure it will bring change to our whole family. If you would like to contribute financially just click on this link and you can set up a quick account at GCC and give online.

I pray that I can teach my children about what the whole world is like - not just our little slice of country in Wakarusa.

surrender

So the other day at church Dr. Bob was speaking on the bitterness that develops from past hurts that aren't forgiven -- ok that's my take on it :) I sat there thinking "thank you Jesus" for helping me get through that major thing back before Don and I were married. I also thought "wow" I am so glad that you brought me to the point of forgiveness and I know how freeing it is. I was in complete agreement with Dr. Bob - I had been where he was talking about and with God I had taken the steps necessary to get to the other side. It felt affirming and reassuring to know that I am not carrying that burden!

Then came worship :( out of my mouth came "I surrender all" and I had to choke back the tears - God got right in the middle of me - with this: you made it through the big thing but what about the small stuff - the daily stuff - do you surrender that?? I had no perfect answer for Him.

Not a service has gone by in the past 18 months that something does not hit me - a lesson to learn or a moment of gratitude - I am amazed at how present God is at GCC and I am thankful that I am able to fully engage when I am there. I am not who I was 18 months ago - and I am not who I will be 18 months from now.

So what now.... I need to bring my little stuff to Him and let it go!!