So do you ever think about death? not really dying but just not living? I know it is not really a cheery after holidays topic but......
Yesterday I went to my husband's Aunts funeral she was in her 80's. It seems whenever I go to funerals I end up with all these pictures in my head from my mom and dad -- what they were wearing at the viewing, how their hands looked, the makeup they were wearing and so on and so on.......it takes days for me not to see them constantly and then there is another funeral for them to all come back. Easy to say I have been to 3 funerals since my dad died 18 months ago - the pictures in my head seem pretty constant.
So the pictures lead to thoughts - not about when I am going to die or how really - more about the fact that I wont be here - here on this earth - I wont exist in the physical - wont chat with my kids or my husband - wont wake up every morning and on and on......
I think I can honestly say that I think about all this often - like 3-4 times a week at least. Sometimes it starts from a conversation with someone, or something on the news or facebook, sometimes a tv show or book, almost anything can lead my thinking this direction.
Sometimes I even think about whether my family will know all the things that are in my head -- about my great aunts desk in the guest bedroom or her wedding and engagement rings in my drawer - what about Don's grandpas desk -- will they know that story, should I write them all down? Most of this comes from cleaning out my parents house after my dad died. There were so many pictures, furniture and memories -- some we knew and some we had no idea.
It is strange to think I may only be half way through my life - yet this half has gone so fast.
Alright I am not looking for answers just sharing where I am at or where I have been at for awhile now.
I think losing your parents takes you to someplace different, unexplainable, and permanent.
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1 comment:
Hey Karen! I found your blog through Shelly Flickenger. Not sure if you remember me from MOTT's. Just wanted to comment because, first of all, I didn't realize you just lost you father not that long ago...so sorry to hear that! My dad passed away very unexpectedly 3 1/2 yrs ago and I still miss him so much...so I know the loss remains for a long time. And I know exactly what you're saying in this post and couldn't agree with you more! Since my dad passed away, death is something I think about so much more...almost like it finally made me realize that there is no escaping it, no one is immune to it. Anyway, just wanted to say that I know how you're feeling.
Erica
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